Pengorbanan

Assalamualaikum dan selamat sejahtera

Di akhir 2016 ini, aku masih berada di bumi kayang..masih dalam perjuangan yang belum habis.. ini merupakan coretan pertama dan mungkin yang terakhir untuk 2016.. mengimbas kembali coretan tahun lepas, bila aku menyatakan tentang research yang tiada perkembangan..baru aku sedar bahawa tatkala ini juga aku masih ingin berkata begitu.. ahh aku sungguh malas dan lalai..dan aku begitu banyak alasan..aku mahukan yang terbaik dalam setiap result eksperimen namun aku perlu akur bahawa penyelidikan ini tiada konsep yang terbaik..cuma adalah penemuan terbaharu yang akan menyumbang kepada 'body of knowledge' dalam bidang yang aku kaji..

maka aku perlu berhenti dengan angan2 yang sentiasa mahukan yang terbaik dalam hal ini.. aku perlu menyelesaikan lebih kurang 3 set labwork dan mulai hari ini bila ada yang bertanya banyak lagi kah labwork yang aku perlu selesaikan..maka jawapan aku adalah -InshaAllah ada lagi sikit.. semoga Allah permudahkan jalan ini..

semalam sebelum menaiki bas..suami berpesan macam biasa-kuatkan semangat, jangan malas, kita perlu berkorban untuk masa depan..kami juga nampak seorang lelaki yang ingin menaiki bas yang sama dengan aku, bersalam dengan seorang perempuan yang sedang mendukung seorang bayi..kami menyimpulkan bahawa pasangan ini adalah suami isteri yang mempunyai bayi kecil terpaksa berjauhan kerana tanggungjawab..pengorbanan..kami masih lagi beruntung kerana terpaksa berjauhan dalam keadaan kami masih berdua..semoga Allah permudahkan urusan dan hubungan kami juga pasangan itu..Amin..

terbiar

I want to go somewhere but i dont know where..

please be strong

actually i am afraid and worry about myself. i really am. it has been a year and a half i started my PhD however i found myself nothing. nothing in progress, nothing new as a doctorate student. i met my supervisor just today and he shows some worry too. frankly i am very disappointed and guilty to see his gloomy face. i know he disappointed on me too. and i bet he doesn't put much hope on me anymore. i hate myself for this. how many times i promised myself to change. to be more focus and proactive in this field. however the momentum doesn't maintain. i lost the perseverance. i have another a year and a half to do everything- like from zero. some of the result is not good. i need to be more focus. FOCUS.

actually i did put an aim to complete all my lab work by this year. and the aim is getting married and settled down at my hometown. however this aim doesn't trigger me yet. i am running out of time. more over my health condition seems not very good. besides Dr Chong, i have to see the kidney specialist since they observe unnatural condition in my urine. they suspect my kidney is not in a good condition. this means i need to go home for hospital more frequent.

so what i plan to do now is to keep FOCUS, PERSEVERANCE, STRONG and BE POSITIVE. i really hope people surrounding me would give me the support. and pray to Allah to ease everything.

my lab mate broke this sampling point of my reactor. lab work delayed and i had to travel a lot to USM to fix this. 

.semua yang dilalui dalam hidup akan menjadi garis panduan dalam menghadapi hari muka. sudah 25 tahun saya bernafas di bumi Allah ini, alhamdulillah banyak yang sudah dipelajari. baru2 ini saya telah diberi amaran supaya tidak lagi menganggu buah hati seseorang. situasi memang kompleks dan tidak akan saya ceritakan di sini. penantian memang satu penyeksaan manakala kepastian menjadi pengubat suka mahupun duka. kepastian yang saya inginkan akhirnya terjawab juga.hati memang terguris dan tidak mengharapkan sesiapa mengubatinya melainkan diri sendiri.

.kepada insan yang bernama lelaki (dan wanita juga), memang benar ada yang mengatakan jangan kau cuba mengetuk hati wanita (lelaki) jika kau tiada niat langsung untuk memilikinya. walaupun kau menganggap hanya sekadar kawan, tidak usah kau melayannya. diulangi sekali lagi, TIDAK USAH KAU MELAYANNYA.  hati manusia (kebanyakannya) sangat mudah disentuh. kau membuatnya terbang tinggi ke awan dan akhirnya kau biarkan dia menjunam ke tanah lalu hancur berkecai.

.juga kepada pasangan yang sudah bercinta terlalu lama, jangan terlalu yakin tempoh itu menjadi jaminan kau akan bersatu dengannya. percayalah akan takdir Allah. maafkan aku wahai perempuan itu, keyakinanmu dan kesombonganmu membuatkan hatiku tak ikhlas mendoakan kebahagiaan kau walaupun aku berkata sebaliknya.

.saya akan redha dengan apa yang telah terjadi. saya tidak lagi akan mempersoalkan mengapa semua ini terjadi kerana ini menunjukkan saya tidak patuh kepada rukun iman ke-6. sesungguhnya sudah banyak waktu dan airmata terbazir sedangkan banyak tanggungjawab yang perlu saya tunaikan. hal sekecil ini tidak saya benarkan lagi mengganggu perjalanan hidup saya. sesungguhnya saya bersyukur dengan pengalaman ini. Alhamdulillah. terima kasih Allah.

.senyum tanda ketabahan. walaupun hati terguris namun sampai bila ingin menbiarkan luka menjadi nanah dalam hidup.aku tidak lupa malam Julai 31, 2014. terima kasih Allah. 

.i am superwoman.

.i used to tell myself that i'm a superwoman. it just to self-boost that i am strong enough to face everything coming to me. the purpose of calling myself a superwoman is actually to overcome my sadness and worries about the disease. i found that my chest pain is more often lately. i hope everything in my chest is well.

.Perlis is having raining season. i like to call it winter. although there is no snow, the whole day was raining and it is cold at night. i became a regular visitor at MET Malaysia website to check on the daily weather forecast. it is because i need to plan if it is suitable for me to go to school by motorcycle. since the undergraduate semester just begin, so driving to school is not my option. it is so hard to find parking if driving to school.

.so this morning i had a conversation with one of my housemate. she asked if am i ok to ride in this rainy season. i said yes i am totally fine. in fact, i have raincoat. it's GIVI. so wasting if i'm not using it when i bought it for such as price. and she said my immune system must be totally strong to fight fever. she added she is easily to get cold once exposed to rain. i just giggled.

.yes my immune system is super strong. that is why i got this SLE. as i remember, since 2008 i never got fever even after caught into rain all the way from school to house (8km). I am a superwoman.I want to be a superwoman to everyone.

I bought myself this moist cake and ate it all by myself.happy belated birthday to me.

.i think it is getting worse.

.today i realized something.i think my SLE has became more active nowdays. although i take the medicine yet i still had the pain on my joints. i got the feeling to have fever days ago.and i think my vision is getting blurry. i cant recognize someone's face clearly at the distance of 7 meters. my heart pounding faster even when i'm thinking something hardly.i learnt about all these effects before yet i just neglected it. and now i do realized. i had all these.

.doctor wants my kidney to be scanned on the next checkup. they found blood in my urine every time it was tested. they afraid of my kidney got inflammation too.now i disciplined myself to take the medicine as being told.i used to skip this before as i'm afraid of the effect of those drugs on me. but now i'm getting more afraid that my SLE is uncontrollable. i did told the doctor about by serious headache last June. the headache came together with vomit. she said it might be inflammation to the brain. yet they want to focus on my kidney first as i told the headache is just appear recently.

.my phd work is getting better after a year. the path i'm about to take seems more clear. i started minor labwork and i enjoy it. i dont want this disease to be the obstacle of me pursuing what i want in my life.

.ya Allah, sesungguhnya saya bersyukur dengan dugaan yang Kau beri dan saya redha. namun Kau berilah saya peluang untuk bermanfaat lebih lama kepada ibu bapa saya, keluarga saya, agama saya, bangsa saya dan negara saya. berilah peluang untuk saya gembira dan menggembirakan orang di sekeliling saya.

   ~0.2 liter of tears~

human caprice

.today i learn a word caprice.it is kerenah in malay translation. i hope the word is appropriate with this writing.
.its been a week i started my warm up labwork. i did some simple experiment to get the mood and to familiarize my hand with the procedures and lab equipment.
.to be short, there are some undergrad students who technically work under my supervision as their project is part of mine. and i dont think its a wrong for me to ask for their result. its not like her name wouldn't be included as a researcher in the paper that is going for a conference. i remember my first time meeting her, i asked for the result and she said will email to me soon. and after almost 3 months and today is the 5th time i asked. she gave some excuses and asked me to be patient. haha this girl must be kidding me. after 3 months she still asked me to be patient.
.i do understand if she got into trouble of something. yet i am hoping for her commitment. and trust me after 3 months and 5 times asking, i pray for her best performance in working in the future.Amin.
.for me, to be a good person in a community one must treat other people like what u want to be treated. likewise i am living my life the best to other so i hope the best from others in return. i am working to be a better person and treat others in a good way.
may Allah give us the best to keep in the right path.Amin..