.semua yang dilalui dalam hidup akan menjadi garis panduan dalam menghadapi hari muka. sudah 25 tahun saya bernafas di bumi Allah ini, alhamdulillah banyak yang sudah dipelajari. baru2 ini saya telah diberi amaran supaya tidak lagi menganggu buah hati seseorang. situasi memang kompleks dan tidak akan saya ceritakan di sini. penantian memang satu penyeksaan manakala kepastian menjadi pengubat suka mahupun duka. kepastian yang saya inginkan akhirnya terjawab juga.hati memang terguris dan tidak mengharapkan sesiapa mengubatinya melainkan diri sendiri.

.kepada insan yang bernama lelaki (dan wanita juga), memang benar ada yang mengatakan jangan kau cuba mengetuk hati wanita (lelaki) jika kau tiada niat langsung untuk memilikinya. walaupun kau menganggap hanya sekadar kawan, tidak usah kau melayannya. diulangi sekali lagi, TIDAK USAH KAU MELAYANNYA.  hati manusia (kebanyakannya) sangat mudah disentuh. kau membuatnya terbang tinggi ke awan dan akhirnya kau biarkan dia menjunam ke tanah lalu hancur berkecai.

.juga kepada pasangan yang sudah bercinta terlalu lama, jangan terlalu yakin tempoh itu menjadi jaminan kau akan bersatu dengannya. percayalah akan takdir Allah. maafkan aku wahai perempuan itu, keyakinanmu dan kesombonganmu membuatkan hatiku tak ikhlas mendoakan kebahagiaan kau walaupun aku berkata sebaliknya.

.saya akan redha dengan apa yang telah terjadi. saya tidak lagi akan mempersoalkan mengapa semua ini terjadi kerana ini menunjukkan saya tidak patuh kepada rukun iman ke-6. sesungguhnya sudah banyak waktu dan airmata terbazir sedangkan banyak tanggungjawab yang perlu saya tunaikan. hal sekecil ini tidak saya benarkan lagi mengganggu perjalanan hidup saya. sesungguhnya saya bersyukur dengan pengalaman ini. Alhamdulillah. terima kasih Allah.

.senyum tanda ketabahan. walaupun hati terguris namun sampai bila ingin menbiarkan luka menjadi nanah dalam hidup.aku tidak lupa malam Julai 31, 2014. terima kasih Allah. 

.i am superwoman.

.i used to tell myself that i'm a superwoman. it just to self-boost that i am strong enough to face everything coming to me. the purpose of calling myself a superwoman is actually to overcome my sadness and worries about the disease. i found that my chest pain is more often lately. i hope everything in my chest is well.

.Perlis is having raining season. i like to call it winter. although there is no snow, the whole day was raining and it is cold at night. i became a regular visitor at MET Malaysia website to check on the daily weather forecast. it is because i need to plan if it is suitable for me to go to school by motorcycle. since the undergraduate semester just begin, so driving to school is not my option. it is so hard to find parking if driving to school.

.so this morning i had a conversation with one of my housemate. she asked if am i ok to ride in this rainy season. i said yes i am totally fine. in fact, i have raincoat. it's GIVI. so wasting if i'm not using it when i bought it for such as price. and she said my immune system must be totally strong to fight fever. she added she is easily to get cold once exposed to rain. i just giggled.

.yes my immune system is super strong. that is why i got this SLE. as i remember, since 2008 i never got fever even after caught into rain all the way from school to house (8km). I am a superwoman.I want to be a superwoman to everyone.

I bought myself this moist cake and ate it all by myself.happy belated birthday to me.

.i think it is getting worse.

.today i realized something.i think my SLE has became more active nowdays. although i take the medicine yet i still had the pain on my joints. i got the feeling to have fever days ago.and i think my vision is getting blurry. i cant recognize someone's face clearly at the distance of 7 meters. my heart pounding faster even when i'm thinking something hardly.i learnt about all these effects before yet i just neglected it. and now i do realized. i had all these.

.doctor wants my kidney to be scanned on the next checkup. they found blood in my urine every time it was tested. they afraid of my kidney got inflammation too.now i disciplined myself to take the medicine as being told.i used to skip this before as i'm afraid of the effect of those drugs on me. but now i'm getting more afraid that my SLE is uncontrollable. i did told the doctor about by serious headache last June. the headache came together with vomit. she said it might be inflammation to the brain. yet they want to focus on my kidney first as i told the headache is just appear recently.

.my phd work is getting better after a year. the path i'm about to take seems more clear. i started minor labwork and i enjoy it. i dont want this disease to be the obstacle of me pursuing what i want in my life.

.ya Allah, sesungguhnya saya bersyukur dengan dugaan yang Kau beri dan saya redha. namun Kau berilah saya peluang untuk bermanfaat lebih lama kepada ibu bapa saya, keluarga saya, agama saya, bangsa saya dan negara saya. berilah peluang untuk saya gembira dan menggembirakan orang di sekeliling saya.

   ~0.2 liter of tears~

human caprice

.today i learn a word caprice.it is kerenah in malay translation. i hope the word is appropriate with this writing.
.its been a week i started my warm up labwork. i did some simple experiment to get the mood and to familiarize my hand with the procedures and lab equipment.
.to be short, there are some undergrad students who technically work under my supervision as their project is part of mine. and i dont think its a wrong for me to ask for their result. its not like her name wouldn't be included as a researcher in the paper that is going for a conference. i remember my first time meeting her, i asked for the result and she said will email to me soon. and after almost 3 months and today is the 5th time i asked. she gave some excuses and asked me to be patient. haha this girl must be kidding me. after 3 months she still asked me to be patient.
.i do understand if she got into trouble of something. yet i am hoping for her commitment. and trust me after 3 months and 5 times asking, i pray for her best performance in working in the future.Amin.
.for me, to be a good person in a community one must treat other people like what u want to be treated. likewise i am living my life the best to other so i hope the best from others in return. i am working to be a better person and treat others in a good way.
may Allah give us the best to keep in the right path.Amin..

2014 Earth Hour

.the 2014 Earth hour just passed days ago. i am fully support this event in my way since 4 years ago. i didn't join any event organised by any NGOs or organizer, i just create some poster, put them on the hallway, the notice board, in my fb and even as my profile and cover picture. i tagged as much of my friends as i can on the poster.i hope they aware of this event, hoping them to participate or just to get know about this event to show concern about this global issue. thanked to Allah , i am an environmental student and from here i get to know about this.

.maybe you wont get the point or cant see the impact of switching off your light for an hour . in my opinion, that period would give you enough space and time to think about our polluted earth. switching off the light reduced our energy consumption and carbon released. this can be a starting point of a person to realize how much energy and money wasted to pay for bills, and hoping they would start switching off unnecessary light and electrical appliances in the future from now on. in fact, being in darkness would at least give you opportunity to feel the darkness experienced by our brothers and sisters in Palestine, Egypt, Syria, Iraq and other countries. we should always thank to Allah for all His nikmat given to us.

.i did informed my housemates about the earth hour and hoping for their support. and they already know about this earth hour before. unfortunately, they seem not informed, and dont want to bother to be part of this event. they still do the cooking, studying and preparing for gym at that moment which i think they can do earlier prior to lights off. at the end, i isolated myself watching tv in the dark alone whereas the lights in my bedroom, kitchen was on for this unaware people. i was regret of what happened among our people- the attitude has shown in small niche of my housemates. its not the government or educational system to be blame but the person themselves. they are not uneducated people, most of us in the house has a degree.
and in the darkness, i heard one of my housemate said this-"even the environmental lecturer dont even bother to switch off the lights!".trust me thats hurt. really hurt. maybe this uptown woman want a big event with press coverage around then only she wants to participate.and in the darkness, i cried alone. trust me once i am a lecturer (inshaAllah) i will and force my students to do this!

.here some of posters that i got from google image and edited for 2012 and this year earth hour.

.i am just a small person want to help our earth.

A beginning of zumba

I think of writing here in english so i can improve my writing skill and vocabulary. so its about 6 months i am as a postgrad student in this lovely state of northern peninsula malaysia. a lot of things happened and some i missed to share in here.

I am still in journal review phase and yet about to begin labwork with apparatus, chemical searching and set up. i am very excited to start these. i am the one who chose this path, and i would be the one who is very happy to go through it.

So about last month my friend talked about zumba. i knew about it before and interested to join. yet i am not seriously seeking any. so i have been joining 4 session and plan to keep this activity. since we work much in labwork and air conditioning environment 5 days a week, im not wasting my sweat at all. and trust me zumba would give so much fun and sweat! . moreover, i love dancing. and the gym is attend by women. muslim ladies like me would have no worries much about aurat to men. its 4J Fitness Centre, just opposite to JKR Perlis.

I hope can attend this zumba session constantly to keep healthy and have some fun!!